Who am I? I have been asking this question ever since I learned to speak, and it has haunted me every year of my life. I am a 17-year-old male student from Hong Kong. I live in Shanghai, and I attend an American-style school. I can fluently speak both Chinese and English, but I feel more comfortable expressing myself in English, whether at home or outside. I truly admire Chinese culture, but I have been immersing myself in American cultures my entire life. Both cultures shape my identity. Erik Erikson described identity formation as a process that goes on throughout our lives, although it becomes more important during adolescence. James Marcia further expanded on Erikson's work with the four identity statuses: diffusion, foreclosure, moratorium, and achievement. These statuses explain how individuals explore and commit to their identities. By analyzing cultural identity, educational identity, and language identity, I will arrive at a greater understanding of my overall identity.

My cultural identity was formed growing up Chinese in Shanghai but attended international schools my whole life. When I began school, I did not think about the different cultures at all. I spoke Chinese at home, ate Chinese food daily, and celebrated the Chinese holidays such as Lunar New Year. All of this did not feel special because my family, surroundings, and daily life were all engraved in Chinese culture. I never even thought about asking myself, “What makes me Chinese?” Now, I realize this is exactly what James Marcia refers to as Identity Diffusion. According to Lucy Sattler (2025), Identity Diffusion is when a person “hasn't explored [their identity or culture], are uncommitted [to an identity], and easily swayed by others.” At that time, I did not need to explore Chinese culture because everything around me was already a part of Chinese culture. Soon after, I underwent early adolescence, which Marcia calls it Identity Foreclosure. This stage is when a person “made their choice with little to no exploration, possibly because it has been imposed by others” (Sattler, 2025). My family forced me to accept that I was Chinese without questioning it. I never felt like I needed to challenge my cultural identity because it was never something that could be challenged. Back then, it felt like it was natural, but I did not realize that my identity would shift over time into something other than Chinese.

As I went to high school, I quickly noticed that my cultural identity was not something I could simply accept; I had no choice but to question it. By going to an American-style school, it brought me closer to American culture. Even though I can speak American English, the holidays, food, and social norms still often felt unusual and different from what I was exposed to at home. I understood that I was living in two worlds: a world at school where English dominated and American culture was emphasized, while at home Chinese language and traditions prevailed. According to Amy Baskin (2020), cultural identity provides “an underlying road map for people to navigate through conditions surrounding them.” I felt like I was navigating two different maps at the same time. Stanford’s Academic Advising website described intellectual identity as “that element of your ‘self’ through which you interpret and understand the world around you” (Baskin, 2020). During this time, I felt disconnected from both worlds and often asked myself where I truly belonged. In Chinese spaces, I was teased for not knowing certain cultural references or certain words. In American spaces, usually with my international friends, I was often laughed at for having habits that are too Chinese. These moments made me feel like I did not belong in either world. This is what Marcia calls Identity Moratorium, where a person is exploring but cannot fully commit to any identity. It made me realize that I had to understand my cultural identity–which was complex–and I could not just simply accept it like I used to do.

I forced myself towards Identity Achievement, which is when a person has explored as well as committed to a decision. Now, I understand that I do not really have to choose between Chinese or American. Similar to what author Eli Addis (2015) wrote, “We live in a gray world. There isn’t a black or white answer.” I realized that my identity can be a combination of both. I am very proud of my Chinese heritage, but I also respect the American culture that my education has given me. The process of exploring the options and finally discovering the truth taught me that anyone’s cultural identity does not have to be a fixed element, but rather can be a changing and evolving concept.

My educational identity has been affected by going to an American-style school in Shanghai. This gave me access to American cultures in China, which many students in China do not have. Education has been the main cause for how I see my values and beliefs. I went through Identity Diffusion when I was a kid and did not think about my future career. During early adolescence, I went through Identity Foreclosure as I started to understand the expectations that my parents gave me. A prestigious career is highly respected in Chinese culture, and my parents want me to be a successful business person. This stage of my life is connected to what Cheung and Swank (2019) described as “Ethnic Identity,” where people have “positive or neutral attitudes toward their ethnic origins” based on “exposure to the Asian heritage.” Currently, I am in high school and have started Identity Moratorium as I am actively finding different careers to pursue in the future, some of which follow what my parents want and some careers follow my personal interests such as pursuing creative writing. According to the Asian American Identity Development Model by Jean Kim, it reflects the Awakening, where I start to understand “the adoption of a new perspective, often correlated with increased political awareness” (Lee). Erikson describes this as Identity vs. Role Confusion. This is when I start questioning my cultural identity and education identity. I am adapting to focus both on my own desires as well as my family’s expectations, which will move me towards Kim’s stage of Incorporation: “the development of a positive and comfortable identity.” In the future, I hope to reach Identity Achievement and have both explored as well as committed to a decision about my career and education.

My language identity also makes up a big part of me. I grew up speaking both Chinese and English, but I feel more comfortable communicating in English. According to ScienceDirect, “Identities are how we represent who we are to ourselves and others, and how we interpret who others are.” Later the article also explains that “adding a language to one’s verbal repertoire necessarily entails modifying one’s self-perception in relationship to others in the world.” I feel deeply connected to this because by learning two languages, it allowed me to visit two different worlds, but also made me disconnected to each of them. I struggle to express complex ideas in Chinese and it makes me feel less authentically Chinese. Even though I am fluent in English, it will never be my first language. The article mentioned how “individuals involved in acquiring additional languages must grapple with fluid and shifting identities” and “come to terms with the power relations inherent in them.” I realized that my ability to speak two languages should not be seen as a weakness, but as a strength that can allow me to connect cultural gaps. While being bilingual is an overall strength, being caught between two linguistic worlds negatively affects my identity, making me feel less than whole as a Chinese person.

My identities intersect with each other in many ways. My cultural identity as a Chinese person being taught in an American school is related to my language identity. The reason I can speak English fluently is because I attend an American-style school. Speaking English and attending an American-style school affect how others–Chinese and Americans–perceive me. Similarly, my education and career identity is also affected by my cultural identity. In Chinese culture, education and career choices are extremely important; I have to figure out a way to balance my own interests and the expectations of my family and society. These intersections also affect how others perceive me. According to the website Think-Confidence (2020), “If you can work out how others perceive you, you can understand how you come across them.” The website also explains that “knowing how you come across to other people puts you in control.” Other people might see me as a privileged international student, and while this may sound true, it also feels like an  over simplification because it overlooks the complex side of my identity. By being Chinese in an American-style school, I was seen as “too Chinese” to foreigners and “too American” to Chinese people. Think-Confidence (2020) also points out that “the reality may actually be that other people see you not as confident, but as ‘cocky,’ ‘inconsiderate,’ ‘insensitive,’ or even ‘arrogant.’” I have never been directly called any of these names by others, but the simple act of being bilingual can make people assume these qualities about me. I cannot control what people think of me, but I can control my behavior, and to do so, I try not to use my language capabilities to hurt others or make them feel inadequate. In this way, I hope to never be considered inconsiderate, insensitive, or arrogant. The way people perceive me will always challenge my sense of belonging, but it helps me strengthen my resilience and self-awareness.

As a bilingual Chinese teenager, I cannot escape family and cultural expectations. My fluency in Chinese and English are a part of who I am, and while these two languages have at times placed in a neutral ground between Chinese and English, my cultural identity is more firmly Chinese. I was raised in China surrounded by the culture and language, and my family helped shape my identity as a Chinese person. School was always conducted in English and used the American model, which made my education identity more American. However, I attended school in China, so once I left campus, I was again immersed in Chinese culture and language. School, therefore, could be viewed as augmenting my split identity between Chinese and English, and while I have felt some negativity towards this split, overall I am fortunate to have this educational and language identity because I have gained two perspectives on the world and myself.

The last step to conclude the assignment is for me to complete the Implicit Association Test. I picked the Project Implicit Asian IAT, which can determine my preferences between Asian and European American faces. My results showed that I had a slight preference for Asian faces. I was not really shocked by this result, since I grew up in Shanghai surrounded by Chinese people. However, attending an American school has also connected me with American culture. The results from my test made me realize that my unconscious preferences might have an affect on myself. For example, I may feel more comfortable with people who look like me, even though I understand and respect diversity. In the future, I wish that I can be thoughful about this and actively prevent any unconscious preferences that might affect the relationship between me and others.

Works Cited

Addis, E. (2015, July 25). Eli Addis Quotes. Goodreads. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7189257-we-live-in-a-gray-world-there-isn-t-a-black

Baskin, A. (2020). Cultural Identity. EBSCO. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/political-science/cultural-identity

Cheung, C., & Swank, J. (2019, May 2). Full article: Asian American Identity Development: A bicultural model for Youth. Taylor & Francis Online. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/23727810.2018.1556985

How do people perceive me? What’s the big deal? Think Confidence. (2020, July 28). https://www.think-confidence.com/self-confidence-improve-perceptions/

Language Identity. Science Direct. (n.d.). https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/social-sciences/language-identity

Lee, R. (n.d.). Asian American Identity Development Model*. Identity Development Workshop. https://marypendergreene.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/KimAsianAmericanIDModel.pdf

Mazow, C., Voigt, D., & Williams, R. (2002, June). Advising interactive worksheet: Intellectual identity. Academic Advising. https://advising.stanford.edu/current-students/advising-resource-toolkit/intellectual-identity

Sattler, L. (2025, August 1). The Four Identity statuses. Lucy Sattler. https://lucysattler.com/the-four-identity-statuses/